How to Obtain a Title (Without Killing Anyone)

by Michael Nichols

  • Marry the current holder or immediate heir of a hereditary title
    (Like Meghan Markle did!)

The former American actress is now known as “Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Sussex, Countess of Dumbarton, and Baroness Kilkeel.” And all she had to do was marry Prince Harry.

  • Convince Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II to give you a life peerage

If romancing a noble is somewhat out of your comfort zone, fear not. People are given peerages, or lifetime honorary titles of nobility, when they achieve something significant, or when an important public official retires. Since peerages are granted on the recommendation of the Prime Minister, all you have to do is charm the pants off Theresa May.

  • Do something amazing and become a knight (shining armour optional)

Significant service to Great Britain and her people may merit you a knighthood or earn you the title of “Baron,” both of which are highly respected ranks in society. Notable knights include
Sir Sean Connery, Sir Ian McKellen, and Sir Elton John.

  • Buy your way into the Royal Ranks

For just over $700, you can purchase the title of “Duke” or “Duchess” from the “royal” Bates family of Sealand. Although Sealand is a “micronation” and is not officially recognized by any government, these titles are quite impressive and completely authentic…as long as you stay within Sealand’s borders.

  • Invest in a Not-so-Noble Online Ponzi Scheme

If all else fails, a basic online search will show you hundreds of fraudulent websites that offer “authentic” titles for just a few small payments of $19.99. They are, of course, entirely fake and not at all recommended.

A Gentleman’s Guide to Love and Murder is now playing in FST’s Gompertz Theatre. We look forward to having your join us for this knock ‘em dead hit musical. Click here to order tickets or call our box office at (941) 366-9000.

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